


Precious Equilibrium

by Harukiya



Category: Akira (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Internalized Homophobia, Kaneda is the type to cuddle all his friends and nothing you say can make me think otherwise, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Poor Continuity, Self-Indulgent, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, You gotta squint for that one tho, this is gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 09:12:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16261148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harukiya/pseuds/Harukiya
Summary: Tetsuo has always looked to Kaneda for comfort. Largely because Kaneda knows him well enough to give without having to be asked. Similarly, because he knows what Tetsuo needs when he himself doesn’t.





	Precious Equilibrium

**Author's Note:**

> This picks up from a scene in my other fic 'As Good As Gone' where Tetsuo goes to Kaneda's apartment semi-fresh out the hospital and ends up stayin the night. Not an obligatory read tho, this can be a stand alone.
> 
> Their relationship here as anything other than friends is more subtle than anything honestly, maybe lowkey unrequited but you gotta look deep into the parallels here…namely, the Yamakai parallel. Also, continuity?? From movie, manga, or even in reference to my other story which this is picking up from? ? Yeah none of that here lol

Tetsuo is bored.

From the open window of Kaneda’s flat, he can hear the distant rumble of cars in the street below. The synthetic voice of a holo-advertisement programmed to drone on about tonight’s special lottery wins has talked through its fifth cycle. Footsteps are pacing on the floor above him.

A fly buzzes by his ear.

How annoying.

The old woman in the apartment parallel fell asleep with some gaudy soap opera on her giant T.V., a cheesy melodrama that Tetsuo can imagine Kai and Kaneda would find entertainment in assigning character backstories and devious plot twists while watching through her window. Tetsuo can all too vividly imagine his own brain melting if he watched anymore than he sees through darting glances.

If it isn’t already melted, that is.

He’s been staring at the ceiling for an awfully long time now.

Kaneda has gone to fetch bandages, clean ones to change the wrap around Tetsuo’s head which pulses in time with his heartbeat, aches something fierce that even the two capsules Kaneda had begrudgingly forked over doesn’t mask.

His eye twitches thinking about a brain aneurysm, blood clot, tissue damage. Maybe he’s dying, but honestly he’s probably okay (if he ever has been okay.)

There’s an unfamiliar feeling in his body though, something new but not quite foreign. Like a cold: his body is thrown out of homeostasis, navigating a new set of conditions. Only slightly different than normal. He really doesn’t know how to explain it, tried as much with Kaneda and ended up being laughed at.

Whatever. He’s too stupid to understand anyhow.

Tetsuo doesn’t feel quite  _right_  though and it really isn’t due to a cold at all. It’s probably not the pills either.

It’s an airy, weightless feeling, something similar to free falling. Like balancing carefully along rusted support beams of a felled building in Old Town, one step away from a fatal fall. Or riding passenger on Kaneda’s bike, arms wrapped tight around a strong torso. Hitting max speed, a higher high than any pill could hope to achieve.

That thing really rides like the wind.

If Tetsuo closes his eyes, he feels like he’s spinning, like the world is falling away around him and opening up into this vast empty place in his head, a previously inaccessible space that speaks to him in nonsensical images.

Akira, his mind tells him, but honestly who the  _fuck_ is that?

Maybe he shouldn’t have drank those beers Kaneda offered. He’s usually smart enough to avoid the consequences of mixing booze with pills on an empty stomach, but tonight he’s a little too much of everything (anxious stressed upset  _scared_ ) to really care about how his body will react, about what kind of weird places his mind will travel to under their influence.

Akira, sure. Whatever. Just a name, nothing more. A name that vaguely rings a bell in the back of his mind though.

Tetsuo doesn’t care to try and figure out why.

Right as Tetsuo is about to push up off of Kaneda’s bed and move into the living room, maybe check out those mags he saw Kaneda hide under his jacket earlier out of sheer boredom, Kaneda bursts through the doorway in a flourish.

In one hand he holds a crumpled wad of thin wrapping bandages and a packaged gauze pad. In the other, a big bottle of chilled Lager. There’s a sly smile on his face too, eyes bright with excitement. Tetsuo perks up at that and maneuvers into seiza.

“Man, you won’t  _believe_ who Daichi was bangin next door! I coulda sworn it was Haruko since they’ve been goin’ steady for a while, or well, not anymore, but he has  _Satsuki Nakamura_  screaming his name to the high heavens! Whatta  _dog_ that guy!”

Kaneda plops down on the bed next to Tetsuo and throws the materials in his lap. He naturally has a bottle opener within a foot of his person at all times and is quick to pop the cap and take a long gulp. Kaneda offers it to him after he belches loudly,  _gross_ , but Tetsuo simply pulls a face and starts opening the gauze pad instead.

“Satsuki from math?” Tetsuo asks idly, because he thinks Yamagata used to have a thing with her. It was fleeting, more a one night stand than anything, nowhere near as meaningful as the looks Tetsuo has caught him sending Kai. He practically eye fucks him across the bar at Harukiya’s and Kai just kinda plays dumb about it like he doesn’t know when they  _all_ know.

He’s really not surprised about those losers, they have a lot of history.

“Yup, the one with the blonde hair and huge ass. Man…what I wouldn’t  _give_ to spend a night with her.” Kaneda sighs dreamily, a lost look on his face as he crosses his arms behind his head and settles down on the mattress, taps his foot to some unheard beat. Tetsuo scowls and rolls his eyes.

“Would you give up your bike?” Kaneda blinks and doesn’t even really seem to think about it before pulling a face.

“Hell nah. Her ass is nice but not _that_ nice.”

“Right. That’s the only way you’d be able to give her a ride worth remembering anyway.” Tetsuo takes joy in seeing the dreamy look on Kaneda’s face drop into something similar to a pout.

He kinda missed Kaneda’s expressive face and exaggerated movements when he was at the hospital. Everyone was stiff faced and moved methodically, mechanically. He felt like he had been a test subject rather than a patient.

“ _Rude_ , Tetsuo. Anyone would be lucky to have a piece of this! You’re just jealous cause you can’t get anyone but that boring chick to look at you and see more than just forehead.” Tetsuo flushes and glares at Kaneda suddenly over the mention of Kaori (and his forehead too honestly.)

“Shut up.”

She’s sweet. She isn’t put off by him. She likes his company just as he likes hers. Just cause she’s a little more simple and shy than the loud girls Kaneda and the Capsules like and she never stays the night or asks him over to hers and they haven’t even kissed let alone fucked because she said she thinks she doesn’t like him that way and he’s strangely okay with that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with her. Or him.

There’s definitely nothing wrong with him.

“You want me to see if Junko knows any girls desperate for a _ride_?” Kaneda’s voice is leering, lecherous, and Tetsuo’s flush burns hotter in his cheeks as Kaneda laughs loudly, a gleeful look on his face all at Tetsuo’s expense. He doesn’t like it.

Tetsuo rips off the bandages on his head clumsily and throws them at Kaneda, who yelps and moves out of their range. Which means he falls off the bed with a loud thump.

“ _Shut up!_ ”

“Fuckin’ gross man!”

Kaneda climbs back on the mattress with a scowl after pushing the used bandages on the floor. Tetsuo turns away from him and tries to align the gauze pad over the deep cut on his forehead by touch alone. This leads to a lot of flinching and pain on his part. He can do this, especially without stupid Kaneda’s help. He doesn’t need a girl and he doesn’t need help.

Kaneda sighs after a moment of watching him struggle.

“Here.” Kaneda holds out a hand, probably for the gauze pad and medical wrap, but Tetsuo holds fast to them, keeps working on aligning the pad with his injury, using pain as an indicator of closeness so he must be pretty damn close.

“I got it.” His voice is flat and level. Kaneda clicks his tongue at him immediately afterwards.

“Dude, you’re like  _way_ off target. Ever heard of X marks the spot? Come on, lemme’ do it.” Tetsuo grits his teeth and continues to fumble with holding the gauze pad to his forehead while simultaneously trying to wrap the bandage around his head. He doesn’t  _need_ Kaneda’s help.

“I  _said_ I fuckin got it.”

His hair is getting in the way. His palms sweat. He can feel Kaneda’s eyes on him.

There’s a moment of silence between them, broken only by Tetsuo’s heartbeat echoing like a drum in his head, by the wail of a distant police siren in the night, by the sudden and very loud scream of Daichi’s name from the next apartment over.

Tetsuo’s hands start to fumble harder. The silence stretches on. He suddenly wonders what it would be like to hear someone call his name like that.

Tetsuo thinks of Kaori and then Kaneda and sighs out his nose sharply. His body feels drained all at once. Resigned.

He can still feel Kaneda’s eyes on him.

“…will you help me?” Tetsuo’s gaze is averted when he asks, and thankfully Kaneda doesn’t say anything annoying in response. Keeps his snickers politely muffled. Just holds out his hand again for the gauze and wrap and takes them easily from Tetsuo’s shivering hands. His head is really starting to hurt again. 

The pain ebbs and flows.

Kaneda scoots closer on the mattress until his knees are flush with Tetsuo’s thigh.

“Turn my way.” He says, easy as that, and Tetsuo naturally obliges.

Their knees touch before Kaneda scoots closer and brackets his legs around Tetsuo’s. His hand very suddenly pushes back the short fringe that hangs over his forehead and Tetsuo’s breath punches out of his chest in a shallow exhale.

Kaneda’s hand feels  _so good_  against his hot forehead. He nearly melts at the feel of it, so much more intimate than the clinical touches that linger in his mind from that cold, creepy hospital. Most of the visit was a blur, but he can’t get the sterile smell out of his mind. The faint beeping of machines and stiff, stark white lab coats. Waking up, alone, on an operating table. Tetsuo shudders.

Number 41? Fuck that.

“Man, you’re burning up. You been drinking water?” Tetsuo’s gaze has been fixed on the shallow dip in Kaneda’s collarbone peeking out from the lip of his thin shirt, but now he drags it up to trace along the planes of his neck and trail along the curve of his strong jaw. Tetsuo’s throat feels tight. He can’t quite meet Kaneda’s eyes.

“Didn’t know you had any, thought you lived off of beer.” Kaneda’s hand pushes through his short hair and his nails rake teasingly down Tetsuo’s scalp, along the back on his neck. His warm palm settles there comfortingly. Goosebumps dance along his skin and Tetsuo fights a shiver.

He closes his eyes and that airy feeling washes over him, makes him feel like he’s about to topple over right into Kaneda’s chest, maybe right through him. He swallows dryly.

Tries to think of Kaori.

“Not true. I live off soda too.” Kaneda’s voice is low and warm, sounding much closer than before. Tetsuo starts and opens his eyes, finds Kaneda just inches from his face, eyes squinted in concentration, trained on the gash in his forehead. Kaneda’s hand squeezes for a moment on Tetsuo’s nape and his stomach flips.

Tetsuo stares at the deep brown of Kaneda’s averted eyes. They carry just a hint of green in them, little smatterings of mossy freckles particularly dense around the iris. There’s a darker brown splotch near the pupil in his left eye, shaped almost like a star.

Tetsuo closes his eyes again and floats.

“Man those assholes at the hospital couldn’t ‘ave given you some painkillers or something? Did they say anything about risk of concussion? This looks pretty rough.” Kaneda’s fingertips ghost over the cut and Tetsuo twitches involuntarily at the pain that blossoms in their wake, at the flash of an image that bursts behind his eyelids for a split second, a blank face that’s not quite new, not quite recognizable…vaguely familiar.

“It doesn’t hurt anymore.” Tetsuo says, but the words don’t feel right in his mouth because he  _does_  hurt. Somewhere, somehow. A shameful ache in his gut often accompanied by a wholly pleasant flutter.

Triggered at the sight of red.

He doesn’t need a girl, but nothings wrong with him.

Kaneda makes a disbelieving noise, “Uh-huh sure”, and presses the gauze to his forehead, starts to carefully wrap his head up. Maybe keep it from falling apart (or be the reason it does). Something in Tetsuo wants him to wrap it  _tight_.

When he stops feeling the rhythmic motion of Kaneda’s hands winding around his head, brushing carefully over his temples, he tentatively opens his eyes. Finds himself face to face with Kaneda, who is watching him intensely, something guarded and serious in his usually open expression. His head tilts. Tetsuo goes on offensive.

There’s always been something dangerous about Kaneda when his mind is set on something.

“Are you okay, Tetsuo? You’ve been acting kinda different lately. The boys have noticed too.”

Tetsuo’s mind flashes back to the past week, the past month, hell, the past year. A lot has happened, a lot has changed. Maybe he has too, but he’ll feign ignorance. There’s always a loophole in that attitude with Kaneda. He likes to believe that everyone is honest with him, something Tetsuo secretly thinks makes him weak. But maybe it makes him weak to be the only one lying. To be taking advantage.

“Of course I’m fine. I just got back from the hospital dumbass, they wouldn’t have let me go if I wasn’t okay.” And Kaneda squints his eyes as an easy smile spreads slowly to his lips. Tetsuo’s always envied those easy grins (always loved em’ more though.)

“Not what I meant. Yamagata thinks you’ve been quiet lately. I guess I’ve noticed it too if I’m being straight with you.” Tetsuo tilts his head back slowly and doesn’t respond. Kaneda waggles his brows, pats his thighs idly with his hands. Tries to keep this lighthearted. 

“You got somethin’ on your mind lately?”

Someone, he wants to say, I have  _someone_  on my mind lately.

That name once again comes to mind.

Akira.

“Nah, just the usual.” It’s a bullshit answer, he took too long to respond, a dead give away. And Kaneda sees right through it too. 

Tetsuo deflects with a yawn but he doesn’t have to lie about that, as a tiredness sweeps over him like a wave. Crashing from his busted head all the way down to his tingling toes. 

“Ok, ok, I see. Just the usual nothingness running through that empty skull of yours. No wonder they didn’t keep you longer for observation, you got no brain to worry about hurtin’.”

Kaneda often relents, but  _never_ shows mercy.

Tetsuo scowls and tries to swat at Kaneda, but he seems to see it coming from a mile away as he grabs Tetsuo’s arm and yanks it towards him with a shiteating grin. Tetsuo collides into Kaneda’s chest with an “oof” and almost head butts Kaneda’s chin as they fall back onto the mattress, Tetsuo’s body landing precisely within the valley of Kaneda’s legs.

A sharp pain stabs into his head abruptly and makes him clench his eyes shut, instinctively bury his face in the soft cotton of Kaneda’s shirt. He’s suddenly very dizzy.

Tetsuo’s groan is muffled into Kaneda’s rib cage, his arm tense within Kaneda’s grip. Kaneda makes a questioning noise and lets his arm drop, pokes softly at the crown of his head and begins to carefully massage at his scalp.

“Phantom brain pains? Can you feel hurt over something you never even had?” Tetsuo groans again and a pair of dull grey eyes glare in his mind.

_Yes._

“No.” He says, but he doesn’t know who he’s talking to. Tetsuo opens his eyes. He’s starting to feel confused.

“Well hey, you said it man, not me.” Kaneda’s voice rumbles against his forehead and Tetsuo shifts his head so he’s looking up at Kaneda, chin digging into his sternum. Kaneda’s hand is warm on his head.

He’s crossed his free arm behind his head again and is staring up at the ceiling like Tetsuo had been not too long ago, looking strangely lost in thought. Maybe he’s trying to decide if that water stain on the ceiling looks more like a dog or a dragon.

Tetsuo bet’s he’s thinking dragon.

“Are you really worried about me?” He says, and his voice is low, quiet. Kaneda’s eyes don’t drift towards him, but his brows shift downward and his shoulders shuffle on the mattress. A dead give away. They know each others tells but make a game of keeping them secret anyway.

“Maybe. A little bit. But I know you’ll talk to me if you need to.” And there’s nothing more he says. No confirmation, no follow up, no ,“Right, Tetsuo? You can always count on me!”, because Kaneda knows that Tetsuo knows. Always has, always will.

Kaneda will have his back until the end. He knows that. Doesn’t listen to the part of him that’s always whispered  _it’s too good to be true._  The little voice that’s been getting louder lately.

Tetsuo feels like he’s floating again, but it’s not a dizzying feeling this time and his eyes are open and all he sees is this stupid guy with his fast smiles and easy affection who can read him like an open book and make him feel better without even really trying.

“Hey, Kaori was askin’ around for you after the bell yesterday. You should really make a move before she gets bored of your boring ass.”

Tetsuo doesn’t want to think about Kaori right now. He doesn’t need a girl.

“Yeah. Okay.” Tetsuo says, and rolls off of Kaneda’s chest to lie on his back next to him: their sides are flush together and Kaneda radiates a comforting warmth that Tetsuo shifts into, his other arm a pillow underneath Tetsuo’s head. They lie in the quiet for a minute before Kaneda says, “Hey,”  leans down towards him with a smile that spells trouble and burps Tetsuo’s name loud and long right in his ear.

That starts a wrestling match that Kaneda was stupid to start because while Tetsuo’s head feels kinda hollow, his body relies on muscle memory for these games and there’s no Yamagata or Kai to play referee and keep either of them from fighting dirty.

Kaneda laughs the whole time they grapple, even after letting Tetsuo pin him down to the bed.

Tetsuo smiles triumphantly though, even knowing Kaneda let him win, and feels his stomach flutter at the look on Kaneda’s face. His grin is lopsided like he’s trying and failing to contain it, eyes bright with an emotion Tetsuo can only think to name as joy. His cheeks are flushed, his chest heaving, and Tetsuo suddenly becomes aware of all the many points of contact between their bodies.

Kaneda’s hand is on his chest, his legs and hips pinned between Tetsuo’s thighs, his other arm pressed down hard into the lumpy mattress. Tetsuo’s got Kaneda boxed in underneath him and his heart jumps into overdrive at the revelation.

Kaneda’s hips twitch a bit as if testing the weight of Tetsuo’s body against his, but his smile has turned teasing and his eyes…Tetsuo releases his hand instinctively and pulls back. He’s flustered by the change in demeanor and Kaneda is quick to take advantage of this. He fists his hand in Tetsuo’s shirt, drags him slowly down towards Kaneda again and his smile twists into something foreign as Tetsuo’s breath stutters, he stutters, his  _heart_  stutters. Kaneda’s hand tightens in his shirt slowly, his mouth curls into a soft, sweet thing, and then he pushes Tetsuo away and off of Kaneda completely.

Tetsuo flops down next to him, breath frozen in his chest,  _what the fuck_ , until Kaneda pulls him into a headlock and tells him in a sing song voice to say uncle. Tetsuo yells obscenities at him, “Let me go, you stupid fucking  _asshole!_ ”, suddenly furious and flustered and all kinds of things that only Kaneda can make him feel.

Tetsuo eventually does say uncle.

Kaneda’s answering grin burns like fire.

It’s been a while since he’s stayed over and indulged in Kaneda’s childishness, played along with his dumb, immature jokes and jibes. Kaneda saves the most infuriating insults for Tetsuo, the roughest play for his oldest friend. Tetsuo can handle it after all. 

Even though he won’t admit it aloud,  _ever_ , he missed this.

(He would miss this.)

After a while they finally settle down on the mattress, move onto less boisterous play and into casual conversation, “So was your nurse hot or not? It’s an important questions, Tets, trust me”, and Kaneda’s breathing gradually evens out as Tetsuo’s head stops pulsing in time with his fast heartbeat. Tetsuo glances at Kaneda out of his peripheral after a long stretch of silence between them. His eyes are closed and his face relaxed.

Their legs are still intertwined.

Tetsuo winds up staring at the ceiling again for what feels like hours. Occasionally he glances over at Kaneda, just to make sure he’s still there, and watches him sleep. Wishing, like always, that he could follow.

He tries to relax and let sleep take him, but doesn’t like where he goes when he closes his eyes, doesn’t feel quite right enough to fall asleep yet. But with Kaneda snoring softly by his side and strange images occasionally popping into his head, at least he’s no longer bored.

Tetsuo is eventually lulled asleep by the thrum of a heartbeat in his head, not entirely sure if it’s his own.


End file.
